First of all, I had a great ride in today. I feel much less like a Stay Puft Cyclist after three days of riding in freezing weather. I don't feel quite as squishy as I was a week ago and my cycling efforts are less labored, although with my cold induced asthma it's hard to tell. But I don't seem to be breathing quite as heavily as I climb up Stillwell these days. But today's ride was almost magical. It wasn't the fastest I'd ever ridden but I was able to just focus on my technique and keeping a good pace and really finding my state of flow.
Of course, I was dreading walking in the door because I was dreading the conversations I would have to have today. I did end up having a few but I was completely honest with the young actors I spoke with - I respect them too much and appreciate what they give to me onstage too much to do less. It was after I spoke to one that I found myself looking at a copy of "Desiderata" which I had taped to the back of my door last year after my brother David died. I found my eyes drawn to the lines,"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time."
And I came to the realization that I, like these kids, spent a good chunk of my time as a performer constantly comparing myself to others, which is why I always felt I had to prove myself. I still do. I still feel like I'm not a good teacher, director, dancer, husband, father, friend (the few I have), person. I probably never will. But then I read the rest of the poem;
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
And the next to last paragraph struck me like a tangible, palpable force "be gentle with yourself.....and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." And I realized that for all my feelings of shortcomings and for all of my fears of how I have hurt my young charges, I have not done anything out of anger or vengeance or spitfulness. I truly have tried to be the best teacher and director I can be and the universe is unfolding as it should. It gave me a sense of peace and I've decided I need to read it every day before I start work - perhaps in ten years or so it will sink in.
And today my former student Jason Lederman (one of the few people who I know that actually reads this blog on a consistent basis) posted this video on Youtube that he shot a few days ago. It's part of Project for Awesome 2010 and it looks like this;
And I found such a reason to be grateful and full of humility today. For in five years, no one will remember what musical we put on this year or how difficult the casting process was, but with any luck and some angels that shower us with sponsorships, the lives of eight children will be iredicably changed forever and in five years they will remember what we did and how people they will never meet made that possible. And for that I am truly grateful and hopeful.
Stay well and I'll see you on the road.
No comments:
Post a Comment