A Matter of Perspective - Existentialist Musings

So today I'm having another one of my periodic Existential moments to which I am prone.  This is not to say that I only have them when I am in a lying down position (Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position? - Here's the answer), but I do tend to have some existential moments when I'm in my moments of solitude.  And, wonder of wonders - many of them happen to be while on the bike.  Of course, with my Thursday commute to New Rochelle (75 miles round trip) I do tend to muse quite a bit from behind the wheel of my car.

However, back to my initial tack (yes, a nod to my nautical in-laws) of my most recent brush with existentialism.  I have never been one to do things the easy way.  When I was in high school back in Ansbach, Germany


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I wanted to be really good at something.  For some reason the thing I fixated upon was wrestling.  I guess I figured that if you were only 4'10" tall in high school that was one thing where being small would be an advantage.  Anyways, this is what I looked like back in the day;

and

I was never amazing like Freddie, Rainer or a few of the others but I was good and I worked my tail off.  Afer the first year, when I was basically a "mat rat" and would get squashed every day, I decided I was going to work harder than anyone else to get better.  I started a routine where I would get up and run 3-5 miles every single day to build up my stamina.  I would run in rain, cold and even snow and back before global warming we would get three foot snows on a fairly consistent basis in Southern Bavaria!  Nevertheless, I kept slogging away and kept working at it because I wanted to be better.  I even started lifting weights almost every day with one of my neighbors in our little basement gym we created in his storage room (all the apartments had their own storage room in the basement - it was a cool little warren of "dens").  I also got into soccer (another sport where short, guys could excel) and was not too bad at it but wrestling was really my passion.

 I never got incredible but I was good and I even would go and work out with one of the German wrestling clubs (which is how my German got sehr gut) and when my dad got stationed at Fort Hood, TX during my senior year (yes, tell me how much it sucked to go to three separate high schools in you senior year) I would wrestle with the Army team that was stationed there.  I became sort of like a mascot to them and although I couldn't compete with them, I got some incredible training.  I even thought about trying out for college teams but many of them didn't want to see me since I wasn't competing on a high school team and wouldnt't go to a regional, much less a state or national meet.  Instead I threw myself wholeheartedly into Forensics and that began the long road to eventually performing musical theatre in Southern Bavaria only 45 miles from where I went to high school in good old Ansbach! 

That of course led me to the career where I met my wife, many good friends and had a great life until I decided that settling down and having a family was much more important than the disappointment I was facing as a performer.  It's taken me many years to finally realize that the frustration I was experiencing at the time I left "the business" was due not to my own failings as a performer but rather to the capricious nature of the wheel of fortune that permeates the theatre business - being "in the right place at the right time".  Sometimes I ruminate on where I would have ended up if I would have just stuck it out another year as I was still receiving phone calls out of the blue to perform or dance captain up to three years after I "retired". 

No, my frustration with "the business" was born out of my belief (and the ethics taught to me by my career military father) that if you did the right thing, worked hard and always tried your hardest people would take notice and you would receive the rewards (job, promotion, accolades, parts, etc.) that you deserved.  Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way with performing but I didn't know that then and I was never really good at playing politics or networking (sometimes known as "sycophantism", "obsequiousness, "brown nosing", "ass kissing", etc.) and the other non-performing areas of the business.  I was really good at taking class, working hard and trying to be better.  I wish I were more like Sally from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown , then I probably would have weathered it out longer (and yes, even though I'm not a big KC fan, I like the number)



But I was not as thick skinned as you need to be to thrive despite all the rejection of constant auditions and never getting the roles you really want.  I think now I would be much better at it as life has taught me more about patience (okay, I don't always have the most of it, but much better than I was back then) and I have come to realize that it is not just about talent - 15 years of being on the other side of the table has taught me that as well.  When all is said and done I am one of those described by a favorite poet (James Kavanaugh) as "too gentle to live among wolves".   Despite my underlying anger at injustice and inability to follow the rules (I guess I get that from my military upbringing) I am not a violent person and I still believe that if you treat people honestly and fairly and with compassion and empathy you can be happy and people will appreciate you for the good person you are.  And I still believe that if you work hard and work at being a better person you can reach your dreams.

So here is where my existentialist questioning has come in.  And to put us all in the proper philisophical frame of mind, a little Monty Python;



I really am starting to question what is the point of working so hard when its still about who you know and what type of connections you can make.  First of all we've run into road blocks in trying to raise the funds we need for the cross country ride.  At first when the angels at Smiles for Scott came forward and made the $5,000 grant I thought "thank you God, we are on our way and we can make this happen).   Now, afer countless letters, iquiries and please, we still can't get over the $10,000 mark.  So, we had to postpone the ride until next summer. 

And now, in trying to use the entire "networking" idea I've reached out to over 1500 people on facebook.  I've asked people to follow this blog, to "like" the Connor's Army facebook page and to show support for what is really a worthwhile cause.  Instead, I've only succeeded in annoying some people, some people aren't even "liking" the page (some of whom are former students who were very supportive of the original mission") and many (about 400) haven't even replied.  Its very frustrating since I think people might believe I'm doing this for my own self aggrandizement.

To be honest with all of you (I think there are a few more than 50 of you who read this so please do me a favor and sign up to be an official follower) I'm losing hope and as my catechumin training reminds me, I find myself slowly slipping into the sin of despair.  I'm not angry at God but I am starting to wonder if what I do with my life matter to anyone.  I worked over the summer and I saw the difference that our efforts as a staff had on those kids and I really felt moved to do something more - just as I did when I first formed Connor's Army.

Now I feel like I want to somehow make it possible for more kids to be able to experience Sunrise and to help them have the experience that will help change their lives and give them hope and joy.  But the road blocks I'm running into just seem to be getting larger and larger.  How do I get over them?  How can I get people to support what we're doing?  I sometimes read facebook posts where people really write about the most innane things and they get 75 responses and "real" dialogue happens right there on their face book page.  I ask people to simply take 15 seconds to add Connor's Army to their likes and they act like they can't be bothered.

I know there are some of you who read this and I apologize for my ranting.  Amy and my good friend Laurelle both would recognize this as being in one of my "blue funks" that I am periodically prone to.  Or, as the magnet on my refrigerator says, "An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy."   Well, I wouldn't say that I'm that bad but it is getting difficult. 

	Feel Free - Message in a Bottle - Police .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

I would like to ask a favor of you dear readers.  Consider this a message in a bottle if you will.  I don't need an ego stroking, its not why I do what I do, but I would truly appreciate any input you could give me.  I'm really looking for creative ideas on how to overcome these two problems; raising support and raising funds for Connor's Army.  I know I'm a good person and what I'm doing is worthwhile and you dear readers are the choir to whom I am preaching.  My question to EACH of you is "how do WE reach others"?  How do we show others that in supporting and giving to these kdis they bring back postivie energy to themselves?  I really am looking for any ideas you might have.

I am not going to give up, I'm too much of a fighter (okay, read hard headed, sutbborn, obstinate, bullish, etc.) to give up but I am feeling the need for help so I'm asking - will you help me?

Of course, in that great philisophical belief "it could always be worse" I offer to you the experience of this track racer - WARNING! THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS A LITTLE GRAPHIC AND NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH - but I figure if he can get back on the bike and ride, I will somehow find the means to ride cross country for Sunrise!


UCI World Cup 2011 - Awang's Splinter Update from British Cycling on Vimeo.

And that's why I like riding on the road and not on the track!  Oh, and by the way I'm getting some body art done on Wednesday!  I'll be posting a blog with photos about that later this week!

Stay well and I hope to see you on the road soon!