What Now?

Okay, so it's not REALLY a reference to my sister-in-law Laura's online site although she is one of my biggest sponsors and supporters. No, what it's referring to is what do I do now with my blog? You see this happens to me every time I do the Victory Ride. I feel my blog is a way to connect the riders and those who are interested in my efforts to fight cancer to stay connected to what we're doing. But after the ride is over my feelings are that no one is interested in my mundane life so what do I write about? It leaves me feeling adrift. Sort of like this;

Considering this is Earth Day, it seemed like an appropriate image to put up. My daughter the budding environmentalist keeps reminding my wife and I about what happens with global warming and the animals that are affected by our actions. Of course, we have to remind her that part of that is turning off her light when she leaves her room.

But back to the real dilemma of this post. What would people want to hear about from me now that the ride is done? My regular commute? My love of the bike? My thoughts on life as I ruminate from the saddle? Will I possibly come up with some great revelation about the human condition or a life-changing scientific formula?

Of course, I doubt I'll have any great revelations unless I hit my head on a curb again.

I've also been using this also as a way to help me manage and talk about my grief. To tell the truth I'm still not done with that but every day gets a little better. But I know whatever I'm going through, its only worse for my family down in Knoxville. I only saw David periodically, they miss his presence daily. Between the bicycle and the blog I've been able to deal with it. Off course, the added double whammy of Aunt Janice's passing has also been difficult as well. My emotions still go in waves again and ebb and flow constantly which is why I've been riding a lot this week. The ride on Sunday was amazing but I still need the bike to help me manage my feelings.

I guess I keep hoping someone will comment on a post or give me an indication that what I write is still pertinent to someone other than myself. It does help me to write and it does make me feel better but you know what they say about people who do things for themselves because it makes them feel good - they can go blind!

So, I am going to keep writing my blog and keep musing on life and hope that it makes a difference. I know it has been to me. One thing I will say, in a strange way what I've been doing has been helping some people. I've gotten a few comments from people telling me how reading what has been going on has helped. I don't know. I guess what I'm saying if any of this makes sense to any of you let me know by casting me a line and just saying keep it up or something.

On another note, its really strange how I've found myself lately very connected to my departed loved ones as I ride. Not only my family but teachers, friends, former colleagues and others that have made an impact on my life. I found myself thinking of them sometimes as I ride but not in fretful, sad way but in a peaceful way. I sometimes find that as I ride (particularly on long, flat stretches or going uphill) I get into that Zen "state of flow" that occurs and all I'm thinking about is turning the pedals and breathing - not much else. Its at those times that I find myself thinking of those who have passed in my life and I (more often than not) find myself feeling at peace, as if they are smiling down on me. I guess that reminds me that I'm not riding for myself, I'm riding for them as well. My riding was begun as a way to show solidarity and support for those who have fought the battle against cancer. I guess in a way I'll always ride for them, no matter if its a charity ride for children with cancer or if I'm just out for my daily commute - I ride for those who can't. I ride to say someone believes in them, someone remembers them - as long as my pedals can turn, I will ride for them. And that's what's next!

Stay well and I'll see you on the road!