And The Wheel Keeps Turning

For those of you who have been following this blog I apologize for my silence over the last eleven days.  I had gotten so much better  in the last month with my postings and although my 2011 postings (35) have only been half of those in 2010 (74), I had recently been very excited about Connor's Army and our Ride Across America for Sunrise.  Well, in the way that God has a way of laughing at us;



Of course, Mr. Chopra's view of God's Laughter is at complete odds with those of Order of the Ebon Hand, a black metal band from Greece.



And this in turn is not to be confused with the playing card from the game Magic: The Gathering;

(White Clerics Beware!!!)

Which, according to my daughter Sarah, is a really good card to have.  I honestly wouldn't know since I am magically impaired (as opposed to magically delicious).

Anyway, back to my original reason for writing.  I have been vascillating for days on whther to post this because to be quite honest I haven't been this down and despondent in a very long time.  I guess the last time I really felt this pessimistic about life would have been back in October of 2010 when I wrote about feeling like a raisin in the sun.  For those of you who have forgotten Langston Hughes' masterpiece, here it is;

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

What has gotten me back into this state of blue funkness is something that has recently occured in my efforts to raise money for Sunrise Day Camp.  And no, I'm not talking about the song by Heavy D & The Boyz;



A month ago you may remember that I wrote about how things were going well with our efforts to get support for our Connor's Army Ride Across America
(aka, Connor's Army XC; aka, CARAAM) looking up with over 1200 followers and almost 10,000 views on this very blog.   The Fashion Show advisor and students in charge had informed me that the even twould be a fundraiser for Sunrise (the idea being that the proceeds would count towards the $50,000 we're hoping to raise with CARAAM), Sunrise Syosset had formed, other clubs were excited about getting involved with helping fundraise (including Sports Night).  Everything seemed to be on track and it seemed like I had the support of a village, or at least a school.

And then the cast list went up for our spring musical!
 
Now, as you may know from reading these pages, I am a high school drama teacher by day (okay and sometimes by night too) and three times a year I have the task of casting our main stage shows.  It has to be the one part of my job that I truly hate.  Not because I find the process itself difficult.  I've learned over the years to really pay attention to all the kids do in auditions, to take in consideration all they've done in the past, what I know of their work ethic and how far they will push themselves to creat the role.  I use all of this information when I cast a show and I try to cast the best OVERALL show that I can.  I know I've personally been to many productions (including professional *cough* Broadway productions) where the male and female leads are amazing and everyone else is just window dressing and blah!  My own personal philosphy is that my job is to collect the best cast I can and cast them in the best roles for the overall production so that the overall show is strong.  Its sort of like coaching a team - you don't want just your quarterback/pitcher/striker/race leader to be amazing and everyone else just there.  That doesn't win games or races, it just gets your quarterback/pitcher/striker/race leader targeted and/or pummeled.

So I've strived over the years to always cast the strongest OVERALL show possible and put all the personnel in the best slots for the overall show.  I use my knowledge of them to know what they can do, what special talents they might have and how far I can push them and how far they will push themselves.

But sometimes that's not good enough.  It's almost like that monologue from 'Dentity Crisis by Christopher Durang when the character Jane talks about an experience she had as a child watching a production of Peter Pan.  She describes the ending of the play this way;

"You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die."

Well, sometimes when I cast the shows I find that sometimes just getting a good part isn't enough for the kids or thier parents.  As a result, I've had my job threatened on more than one occasion.  Usually I'm okay with that since we have a consistent process in place for casting the shows and although the final decision in casting is mine to make, I never go about it lightly and in the case of the musical I never do it without conferring with my colleagues.  We don't always agree but in the end I think the casting of the musical has always been made with the right people in place. 

However, when parents start railing about me in public places in town to other parents and start declaring they are going to have me fired because of the way I have cast a show it really does start to make me wonder what I'm doing here.  It starts me into that Blue Funk that really makes me wonder why I spend so many sleepless nights worrying about if I'm making the right decision in my casting choices.

But what really has thrown me back to the feelings I was experiencing in the fall of 2010, that is the feelings of wanting to give up is the fact that this time its gone even further than just talking about.  This time a parent, in order to get back at me has charged that I'm exhibiting a "conflict of interest" and abusing my power by making students and parents feel like they HAVE to support my philanthropic efforts (Connor's Army and Sunrise Day Camp) or they won't get good parts in the shows.  In other words, that I have been "blackmailing" the parents and kids into supporting my efforts to help Sunrise.  My answer to that is really shock, disbelief, anger, hurt, and frustration.  I mean, really?!?  My father was a career military NCO and I was in no way EVER raised with any type of silver spoon - if it were anything it might have been a plastic spork - but what he did give me was a deep abiding sense of honor and honesty.  I would never sell any favors to anyone for anything.  To quote Brutus from William Shakespeare's Julius Caeser;

What, shall one of us
That struck the foremost man of all this world
But for supporting robbers, shall we now
Contaminate our fingers with base bribes,
And sell the mighty space of our large honours
For so much trash as may be grasped thus?
 
My honor is everything and its all that I am likely to be able to pass on to my children (that along with a couple of bicycles and some guitars).  So why would I sell my honor to raise a few dollars for charity? 
 
Now, have I been telling everyone (including you dear readers) about what I'm planning to do this summer?  Yes.  Have I been reaching out to everyone I know and asking them to support us on facebook?  Yes.  Have I asked people to pass on information about us to anyone who might want to sponsor us and help us be able to underwrite the costs of gas, tolls, accomodations for on the road?  Yes.  And that's where the trouble lies, according to the school district that is all inappropriate behavior and I am abusing my power.  Really?  In order to help children with cancer I have reached out to the people (aside from my own family) with which I have the most contact and who know me best and that is considering selling the casting of the school shows.  In other words, I am now considered to be the Syosset version of this guy;

(Rod "I-never-met-a-bribe-I-didn't-like Blagojevich)

As if I'm going to risk everything I've worked for the last fifteen years in order to give someone a really good part.  Again, my honesty and integrity is all I have and that is now being dragged through the mud.  Or at least that's the way it feels.  So just for the record, for any of you who have made it thus far and who are still reading this let me say this as UNEQUIVOCALLY as I can - I HAVE NEVER "SOLD" THE CASTING FOR A SHOW, I WILL NEVER SELL THE CASTING FOR A SHOW, AND I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING BUT DO MY JOB AS HONESTLY AND HONORABLY AS I CAN.  And yes, again to quote Shakespeare this probably smacks a bit of "the lady protests too much methinks" or being reminiscent of this guy;

(Checkers believes me!)

If you can't tell, I am incredibly upset by all of this.  But what is even more important, I think I am truly falling into a state of despair that I'm not sure I can recover from.  And this is why its taken so long to write this latest blog post.  Its had me so depressed about the prospects for Connor's Army that during this winter break I only rode one day - in a week that was full of temperatures in the upper 50's and low 60's!  And this from someone who has logged more than 3,000 commuting miles this year.   The reason being is that all of this information about the "abuse of power" charges hit me only a week ago.  So I have spent the entire break upset and pretty much feeling like I don't want to do anything.
 
Why?  Because I was told that I could do not promotion of Connor's Army to anyone at school.  I had to go on Facebook and delete any posts that went out to the kids asking them to support Connor's Army in ANY way, shape or form.  I can't ask colleagues to help support Connor's Army and I can't reach out to the people where I spend most of my adult life.  I reluctantly agreed to this because if parents were feeling pressured to support my own personal not-for-profit group I could certainly understand a cease and desist order.  I wouldn't want anyone to think that there was any sort of inpropriety going on.  I took out the brochures that I had posted in the faculty cafeteria.  I complied in every way that my supervisors asked me.   NOW PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS CLEARLY, I DO NOT BLAME MY BUILDING ADMINISTRATORS AT ALL!  Especially, given my experience in my administrative classes (yes, everyone I am certified as a School District Administrator) I know that when a parent makes this kind of complaing they have to cover their bases.  So sadly, I packed up my car and headed home for the holidays.
 
That is when the other shoe dropped.  I received a phone call at home from administration saying they spoke to the parents involved again to say I would not be promoting Connor's Army again at school to parents, students or teachers.  But just like Peter Pan, that wasn't enough, I didn't clap hard enough.  Now the argument was that if there was any fundraising happening for Sunrise and my name was in any way associated with it, students would still feel pressured to help out becuase they would feel that if they didn't they wouldn't be cast in any shows.  That means the Fashion Show could not raise money for Sunrise if I was involved.  Sports Night can't raise money for Sunrise if I'm involved.  GSA, Peer Helpers, Exercise Physiology, Interact, MLK - no student group could raise the money for Sunrise if I am involved in any way.  In other words, if the students wanted to help me raise $50,000 and send eight kids with cancer to camp and possibly change their lives forever, they can't do it if I'm involved.
 
And that my friends is what hurts.  That is what makes me wonder if what I'm doing is worth it.  That is what makes me feel like selling my bikes, my cycling clothing, my repair stand and just giving up.  The joy of riding is somewhat diminished becuase I feel like what is the point, I'll never raise the money now.  And all because someone was mad at me because of casting a show.  Becuase of that anger and the desire to get at ME, eight innocent children who have never done anything to hurt these people are now going to be denied the chance to have a summer like other kids.  And that is what makes me feel so damn depressed.
 
And then I started reading Michael Moore's autobiography Here Comes Trouble a few days ago and he describes what life was life after he received the Oscar for Bowling for Columbine.  In his acceptance speech he said that we lived in fictitious times with a fictitious president and since it came only two years after 9/11 he succeeded in invoking the wrath of the American public.  He had death threats against him, he was effectively black listed in the film community and he felt like giving up entirely. 
 
However, he also managed to become close friends with Kurt Vonnegut during the last year of Mr. Vonnegut's life.  Towards the end he had a conversation with Mr. Vonnegut in which he said his son had helped him figure out the meaning of life, "our purpose here is to help each other get through this, whatever it is."  Our purpose here is to help others, especially those who have found themselves in a worse state than ourselves. 
 
I read his words and a light bulb went off in my head.  Of course, that's it.  Our point here is to help others - Not to wage wars of enlightenment, not to dictate other peoples' morality, not to preach for the conversion of their souls, nor to enslave them to politics that don't help them get through the day to day.  No, its to help make life better for each other in whatever way we can.  Perhaps by teaching.  Perhaps by feeding them.  Perhaps it will be by donating our time.  Me, I ride my bike in the hopes that I can make life better for the children of Sunrise.
 
So I am going to go on.  I may not be able to raise the same kind of money that I hoped to do before but whatever we raise, we raise.  I can't stop trying to help these kids.  Perhaps someone will read this and be inspired to help me raise the Monies that I can't raise through teh channels at SHS.  Who knows?  I do know that I WILL be riding and I will keep trying to make a difference, to help others get through this, whatever it is.
 
And now for the dessert, a little number by a group called Cake;



Thank you to everyone who has believed in me - I'll try to justify that belief in the six months coming up and as I ride the 3600 miles from San Diego!

Stay well and I WILL see you on the road!