Today was a day of ups and downs and emotionally all over the map. But before I get into the emotional roller coaster that was today there's a few things I'd like to share.
First, when I started writing this blog I thought of it only as a way to share my day to day (okay, it ended up not being day to day but the thought was there) experiences as I followed my year long goal to commute 2,000 miles. I never thought anyone read it aside from my editor-in-chief (otherwise known as my patient, loving, supportive wife Amy) and myself. Occasionally someone would e-mail me to tell me about something they read on it but I always figured it was a fluke (despite the fact there is a link to my blog on our website). I guess I never thought anyone would be interested in my metaphysical musings. So imagine my surprise to find out that there are people who actually read what I write - sometimes on a daily basis. To those of you I say thank you and I'll try to actually keept that in mind as I create posts in the future. I'll at least try to make what I write a little more scintillating.
Secondly, I have found out that there are people who actually read my blog becuase of the amazing outpouring of support I have been getting from friends, former students, current students, family and in once instance a total stranger. Some of them have mentioned to me how they find out from reading my blog and have mentioned some of the things I wrote. To each and every one of you - thank you. Your love and support in this time of emotional upheaval has been an overwhelming source of support for me. There is a poem entitled "Bits and Pieces" (I wish I had all the words here but they are all at school) that describes how we are all made up of bits and pieces of the people who have touched our lives and come into contact with us - both positive and negative. So if we follow the logic of this poem, David is an intrinsic part of me and your prayers and condolences to me are therefore going straight to David as well. So on behalf of us both, I again thank you so much for everything you have sent to me in the last few days.
And now the moment of Catharsis, part 2. Yesterday was David's memorial and I couldn't be there. In this time of financial difficulty I just couldn't get there. Instead, I went out for a ride with my local bike club group. I know on Friday I went riding just to get things out of my system and it took me until the Lawrence Hill climb until I finally exhausted myself to the point that the tears flowed down my cheeks. They came on and off the rest of the way home but I was finally able to break out of the numbness I had been feeling since I got the news.
One of the few things I remember from my college psychology classes and sociology classes is that when someone is grieving their are seven distinct stages that they need to experience before they have fully gone through the process of grieving and loss. Most of Thursday I was dealing with the first stage of shock and denial. Friday's ride took me through a lot of the second stage, dealing with the pain and guilt. I'm still dealing with both of these stages. Mostly I'm dealing with the guilt of not having been in better contact with him the last few years. A lot of what has been going through my head the last few days is the feeling that I let my little brother down by not being in more contact with him. I've never been very good at keeping in touch with people which is why this blog is becoming more important to me. At least there are some of you who I'm keeping in touch with. I don't want this to become too deep of an introspective blog but it is what I've been going through right now and its important for me to get it out - for those of you who have read this far, thank you for your patience and your support.
Anyway, today I rode because I just needed to get my mind off the fact that I couldn't be at David's memorial. My inability to be there was just adding to the guilt I've been feeling so I began the ride by riding from my house to Greenlawn.I won't go into all the details of the ride (I'll save that for tomorrow's post) but I will say that I was able to climb quite a few of the big hills becuase of anger. Every time I started to climb I would think of David and the unfairness of his death would hit me and nothing felt as good as it did to just mash the pedals all the way to the top. I just needed to get it out. The ride was mostly a great experience for me on so many levels (again, I'll write about that tomorrow, today's just not the day for joy) but mostly for the catharsis of being able to find something that really brought forth the anger and allowed me to channel it in a positive way. My family has been so supportive and I'm trying (not always successfully) to keep my anger from creeping out at them. Mostly I've been good at it but every now and then that anger just pops out.
I think David would have been appreciative of the fact that I spent the day doing something I love doing. I don't think he would ever understand why grown men would want to put on spandex, shave their legs and careen down hills at 45 miles an hour (honestly, I'm not sure many of my friends and family understand it) but I think he would appreciate that I was doing something that brought me joy.
I spoke to Tamara later in the day and she told me Markus read my words to David (check yesterday's blog entry) and that during the service the rain subsided just enough for the military honor guard to go outside and give David a 21-gun salute and play taps. Then the rain started up again. Late today that same rain hit us - at least I was able to share that part of the memorial with everyone.
I don't know how long it will take me to get through the next stages - I really hope I can get past this angry stage before I cause strife with the family - but I know that I have a lot of very supportive family, friends and students (both present and former) that are sending me positive thoughts, prayers and words. To all of you I thank you for being a part of my life.
Stay well and I'll see you on the road.
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